"Getting Comfortable with Asking the Hard Question: 'Are You Thinking of Hurting Yourself?'"
Suicide is a silent epidemic, often leaving behind waves of grief, guilt, and unanswerable questions for loved ones. The stories of those left behind provide a raw, unfiltered look into the signs they missed and the actions they wished they had taken. Understanding their experiences can offer insights for others to recognize warning signs and intervene before it's too late.
The Unseen Signs
People who have lost loved ones to suicide often speak of the subtle or unnoticed signs leading up to the tragedy. It’s not uncommon for them to share that, in retrospect, there were clues—a sudden withdrawal from social circles, giving away cherished possessions, or a shift in mood that went unexplained.
One story comes from Amelia, whose brother took his own life after years of battling depression. “Looking back,” they recall, “he started spending more time alone, stopped answering calls, and started saying things like, ‘You’d be better off without me,’ but I didn’t think he meant it literally. I just thought he was having a rough patch.”
Common Signs Survivors Say They Missed:
Sudden withdrawal from loved ones or social activities
Subtle goodbyes—like giving away valuable or sentimental belongings
Changes in mood or behavior, such as unusual calm after intense depression
Talking about feeling like a burden or hopelessness
The Burden of 'If Only'
Survivors often carry the weight of "If only I had done something differently." These regrets, though painful, help shed light on the actions others can take when they suspect a loved one is in trouble. Many wish they had directly addressed the signs or engaged in more open conversations about mental health, even when it felt uncomfortable.
In one heartbreaking case, Karen reflects, "He told me several times he was ‘fine,’ and I didn’t push harder. I wish I had asked more questions, taken him seriously when he said he felt like a burden.”
What They Wish They Had Done:
Pushed past surface-level reassurances to get to the heart of their loved one’s feelings
Encouraged professional help, even when met with resistance
Reached out to other friends, family, or professionals when they didn’t know how to help
Creating a Culture of Openness
A major theme among survivors is the desire to foster a culture where mental health conversations aren’t taboo. Many admit they didn’t know how to talk about suicide or didn’t have the language to express their concerns. Addressing mental health early on and consistently can help normalize discussions around depression and suicidal thoughts.
“I wish we’d had more open talks about mental health growing up,” says Jason. “By the time I realized how deep his pain was, it felt too late.”
How to Foster Mental Health Conversations:
Regularly check in with loved ones about their emotional well-being
Encourage seeking help without judgment or stigma
Be direct when asking if someone is feeling hopeless or considering harming themselves
Action Steps for Those Concerned
If someone is exhibiting warning signs, it’s crucial to take action. Survivors stress the importance of reaching out, even when unsure. Here’s what they say they wish they had done when they first noticed something was off:
Ask Directly About Suicide:
Don’t shy away from the word "suicide." Asking someone directly if they’re thinking about it shows you're serious and opens the door to honesty. Survivors often wish they had asked the hard questions: “Are you thinking about hurting yourself? Do you have a plan?”Encourage Immediate Help:
If someone seems at risk, don’t wait. Encourage them to seek help from a therapist, counselor, or even a crisis hotline. Accompany them to an appointment if necessary.Remove Immediate Dangers:
Survivors often express regret about not taking practical steps, such as securing or removing potential tools of self-harm from the home.Resources and Support:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
Online Support Groups: Encourage connection with others who have gone through similar experiences.
The stories of those who have lost loved ones to suicide are filled with pain, reflection, and often, wisdom. By learning from their experiences, we can better recognize the subtle signs of distress, foster a more open dialogue about mental health, and take steps to save lives. If you or someone you love is struggling, reach out. There is always help available, and taking that first step could make all the difference. At Elle Jolie Wellness a personal training and health coaching business in Kelowna B.C. we pride ourselves in treating our clients from a trauma care perspective.